we have to move on.

My friend lauren L. is kinda driving me insane. Her life is so depressing it's ridiculous. she thinks she an't help it but really she can. she just doesnt want to. she says that since her uncle ouldnt survive this life she doesnt know how she can since he was the strongest person she knew. He was depressed. depression is an illness and it can make tyou do things you do not usually do. she;'s not depressed (not yet anyways) so she CAn be happy. there is nothing holding her back from that. her grandmother is dieing, wait, no, her GREAT grandmother. she thinks that no one knows what she is going through, but basically everyone does. everyone has lost someone veryveryvery close to them including me. I have also lost a cousin to drug abuse and another cousin is abusing drugs now. Everyone has something in their lives that they can't control or are not happy about. However, we all get through it and so will she. she just has learn to cope with the thing sthat she cannot control and move on. That is what these people who we are mourning over would want. They wouldn't want us just to sit around feeling sorry for ourselves. So, in honor of them, we should live their lives the way that they would want us to live them.

I've been thinking a lot of last year. I have spent too long trying to move on. So, i decided instead of holding my feelings in, im just going to let them run their course. I will move on when the time is right. i will probably always havew a little plae in my heart for ben, but another guy (and others after him) will too. Until I find the right one, and he will beat all these other guys and be amazing. So, ill wait. and let those feelings run its course to. Time to let go and move on.


=)

I don't know anymore. . .

So, tonight I went out with Ryan. Tony and his girlfriend Sarah came too. During the movie it was okay. He put his arm around me and we held hands. But, I don't know. It just didn't feel right you know? Like when I held hands with ben I would squeeze his hand a certain number of times and then he would like mimic it and for some reason I really liked that. Ryan doesn't do that...
Then on the way home, we were in the car and he was kinda mean. He was like making fun of people and like what their voices sounded like. He was making it seem like they have a dissability. That's just not funny to me.
I dont know what to do. He's just not the guy I thought he was...and it's dissapointing. ):

Braced.

Last tuesday I got braces. (july 21st) They really aren't that bad. They are clear so you can't see them as much as regualr braces and you can't see the hardly at all in pictures. The spacers killlled and everyone who has/had braces tolded me that the braces hurt like just as much. They don't. The braces make it just a little bit trickier to eat, because food gets stuck in them, but they don't hurt really at all! i don't have the bottoms on yet. I'm getting those in 3-4 months.
My sister actually has been pretty good lately. I dont know if she smokes but now i dont even care anymore. I mean, it's her body that she's doing damage to, not mine.
I've been feeling really wierd lately and i dont know why. Like one day i will feel so confident and pretty and the next feel really insecure and ugly. It's strange.
Ben's got a new girl, her name is Sydney and she's really pretty. I'm going to try to keep going with Ryan. he seems like a really nice boy and that's what i need.
I'm getting sorta excited for school to start up again. But, i know once that first day is over i'm going to want it to be summer again. I hope I don't feel like afreshman still. My fried Joe from St.Louis is coming to DHS. It's pretty excited because I know he will be glad to see me (:
I'm really tired so im going to go to bed. Goodnight <3

Such a Klutz.

So, last sunday i went out with Ryan and our friend Tony and his girlfriend. It went really well and we all had a lot of fun. But, then a couple nights later Ryan texted me and he said he was at Ben's house. Eveer since then, he doesn't really seem too interested. I want to know what Ben said because I had a feeling that he said something to make Ryan chance his mind about me. Or maybe it was because when he texted me when I was at meaghan's house, I told him what we were doing :talking in the dark hahaha. And maybe he though it was wierd? I dont know. My mom keeps asking me whether hes texting me or not and if he's not she says "WELL, WHY NOT??" and shes trying to be funny but it really isn't....it's gets me thinking that he doesn't like me.
So, lately I have had so much on my mind regarding boys and it's so overwhelming. This is all my thoughts:
Does ryan like me or not? What did Ben say to Ryan? Jamie wnats to go out with me but i've never even met him! Travis likes me. This kid Brad likes me and I don't even know him. Meaghan emily and lauren had a sleepover and din't call me. Im sick of Joey and Lauren always being together. I'm so sick of my mom and my sister fighting. I'm nervous about this year. I cn't deal with Lauren L's problems anymore and I feel really bad. My teeth hurt because of the spacers, Im getting braces on tuesday (tops) and they might make me look wierd.Theres just so much going on that one day I'm just going to crack!!!!!
I've been such a klutz lately because of all these things running through my mind every single second of everyday. I'm tired and my mom keeps bugging me on going out with my friend when i just want to stay in and just chill by myself and get things straightened out with me first. I;m just so overwhlemed and IT'S SUMMER. This shouldnt be happening. Like yesterday at Target I got a slushie and the guy specifically said "dont fill it up all the way or it will overflow." and what did i do? I FILLED IT UP ALL THE WAY. and what did it do? OVERFLOWED. then when i went to get a napkin, i hit the cup and it spilt everywhere. It was such a mess and it was embarassing. But, whatever.
I give up on boys. I really do. They are just so like wierd. One minute they like you and then the next minute they dont. so, i give up, again.

It's disgusting!

So, today I went to the mall with emily, lauren, and meaghan and it was pretty fun (: Except, when we first got there I saw my sister. She was with her friend Jess ( a girl) and they were drinking their coffee. So, I was like hi! and then i waved but she was just like "uhmm..hi." and thne jess started laughing. I decided I don't like her. At alll. So, I just kept walking and I heard them laughing behind me. When we got it meaghan said "haha you're sister was slick" and is aid "about what?" and megg said " oh..she was putting out a cigarette like stomping on it with her foot."
It's so sad. Like she's lieing to my mom and dad and now she's making me a lier too because I dont wanna tell my mom what happended because then Maribeth will get mad at me. My mom said that my sister couldnt have her car for 2 weeks. It has been like 2 days and she already has her car back. I want to ask my mom about this but I'm afraid she will get mad. So, I'm just gonna give Maribeth a little bit of attitude. I also want to put like a "dangers of smoking" article in the bathroom so that maybe she will see it. She's going to get addicted. I hope she knows that.
And she keeps complaining that she doesn't have a boyfriend. Well, maybe if she stopped smoking that would make it a little bit easier. I even know that guys don't like girls who smoke ( well most of htem anyways). Smoking makes your breath smell bad, teeth yellow, it gets all in your clothes, causes a lot of health problems, and you could actually DIE. It's just soo stupid and disgusting and it's just frustrating.
You know what? she's doing this to herself. I'm not giving her anymore sympathy. I'm not. Im done. DONE with all this crap about her being fat and ugly. Go ahead and smoke. smoke until your lungs turn black and your teeth are all yellow. Just don't you dare do it around me or I will actually smack you probably. She doens't even know me anymore. Before jess, all she cared about was friggen Corey and now smoking, maybe if she didn't friggen smoke corey wouldnt have broken up with her. I'm done. goodnight.

She just bothers me so much,

My sister. She judges everyone and she says that she doesnt want to be judged. It's aggravating. Today in the car my mom said she and my friend emily were exactly the same, because they are, and she was like "ughhh im annoying??". Emily has a pretty tough life and doesnt need my sister judging her. My sister doesnt even know Emily so she needs to shut the frig up.
Me and her are just soooo different even though we look "exactly alike" or so everyone says. Examples are : Maribeth- loves reading, hates her body, cares SO MUCH about what other people think, thinks she needs a boyfriend, judges people, doesn't like helping people all that much, hates exercising, and is quite annoying if you ask me.
Now I- dont like readin,g don't really care what strangers think of me, I'm pretty confident in myself, I really don't need a guy, I like taking care of my body and exercising and stuff, I like to help people, and I can be anoying at times but i dont think thaaat often.
Idk how im going to do it allllll next year and maybe the year after. Im going to have to start standing up for myself a little bit. Shes just always been so much like bigger than me but now shes not. I've always been afraid of her and kinda still am because i hate it when people are mad at me but i just dont think i can take it without saying anything. I dont even know if i can stand it during the summer. She needs a boyfriend. Unlike me, who can survive without one. she needs to go to therepy. thats what she needs.

weeek from hell.

Okay so this week has been terrible. I tried out for cheerleading on monday and i absolutely hated it. I knew i wasn't ever going to like it either so I just gave up. I hope I didn't make a mistake but I think i am a dancer, not a cheerleader. It just was not for me. When I see a girl falling towards me my instinct is to run away. When i jump and go backwards i am afraid that i will crack my head open. It just wasn't my thing and that's okay! So, I quit. Im kind of dissapointed in myself but i was so stressed and i was crying like the past 3 days over and how i didn't want to go back. It was just plain out bad and not for me. I think i am going to go back to colroguard and dance. Whatever. One of the only reasons i wasnte to do it was so i could cheer at the games and thats really it. But, as they said, that's only a tiny tiny part of cheerleading it is so so so much harder than it looks. Another reason was so that I could be different but I can mkae my mark wihtout being a cheerleader right? I just dont want to follow in my sister's footsteps i wanna make my own path for myself and do stuff i want to do. But, my sister and I like the same things, we both love music and artsy things. Oh well, i guess im nicer than her so that counts.
So this kid Ryan likes me and he seems pretty nice. Andd this kid Tony thinks im hot and this other kid Kody likes me too. Along with matt but i dont know if he still does. I dont really like matt cuz i never talk to him haha and then kody and tony are my friends so i could never go out with them cuz that woulkd be wierd haha anddd Ryan? I dont know about him either because I just started getting to know him. But who knows, maybe we could be something(:
so yeah that was my week from hell. and on top of it all i found out that my teacher from 5th grade passed away and I really liked her. She's going to be missed. She was such a great teacher and never yelled at anyone. I wish i got a chance to see her before she died, i really do.