She just bothers me so much,

My sister. She judges everyone and she says that she doesnt want to be judged. It's aggravating. Today in the car my mom said she and my friend emily were exactly the same, because they are, and she was like "ughhh im annoying??". Emily has a pretty tough life and doesnt need my sister judging her. My sister doesnt even know Emily so she needs to shut the frig up.
Me and her are just soooo different even though we look "exactly alike" or so everyone says. Examples are : Maribeth- loves reading, hates her body, cares SO MUCH about what other people think, thinks she needs a boyfriend, judges people, doesn't like helping people all that much, hates exercising, and is quite annoying if you ask me.
Now I- dont like readin,g don't really care what strangers think of me, I'm pretty confident in myself, I really don't need a guy, I like taking care of my body and exercising and stuff, I like to help people, and I can be anoying at times but i dont think thaaat often.
Idk how im going to do it allllll next year and maybe the year after. Im going to have to start standing up for myself a little bit. Shes just always been so much like bigger than me but now shes not. I've always been afraid of her and kinda still am because i hate it when people are mad at me but i just dont think i can take it without saying anything. I dont even know if i can stand it during the summer. She needs a boyfriend. Unlike me, who can survive without one. she needs to go to therepy. thats what she needs.

weeek from hell.

Okay so this week has been terrible. I tried out for cheerleading on monday and i absolutely hated it. I knew i wasn't ever going to like it either so I just gave up. I hope I didn't make a mistake but I think i am a dancer, not a cheerleader. It just was not for me. When I see a girl falling towards me my instinct is to run away. When i jump and go backwards i am afraid that i will crack my head open. It just wasn't my thing and that's okay! So, I quit. Im kind of dissapointed in myself but i was so stressed and i was crying like the past 3 days over and how i didn't want to go back. It was just plain out bad and not for me. I think i am going to go back to colroguard and dance. Whatever. One of the only reasons i wasnte to do it was so i could cheer at the games and thats really it. But, as they said, that's only a tiny tiny part of cheerleading it is so so so much harder than it looks. Another reason was so that I could be different but I can mkae my mark wihtout being a cheerleader right? I just dont want to follow in my sister's footsteps i wanna make my own path for myself and do stuff i want to do. But, my sister and I like the same things, we both love music and artsy things. Oh well, i guess im nicer than her so that counts.
So this kid Ryan likes me and he seems pretty nice. Andd this kid Tony thinks im hot and this other kid Kody likes me too. Along with matt but i dont know if he still does. I dont really like matt cuz i never talk to him haha and then kody and tony are my friends so i could never go out with them cuz that woulkd be wierd haha anddd Ryan? I dont know about him either because I just started getting to know him. But who knows, maybe we could be something(:
so yeah that was my week from hell. and on top of it all i found out that my teacher from 5th grade passed away and I really liked her. She's going to be missed. She was such a great teacher and never yelled at anyone. I wish i got a chance to see her before she died, i really do.

FML.

so these last two days have been totally suckish. I feel like i seriously have NO ONE and that no body even wnats me anymore ):.
My sister came home from college and i dont like her all that much. she sued to be so fun to hang out with but like ever since high school, shes been a total bitch like all the time. She yells and complains that she is fat every single friggen second and that has an affect on me and i dont think that she realizes that. I am 15 years old and I feel like i know better than she does. like today she left all her shit in the bathroom and i went in and found a box of cigarettes in her purse. She should know better than to smoke, really she should. Also on her facebook she says that she is out getting drunk which is so fucking stupid. My dad was in a drunk dirving accident and he got a bruise on his brain and was in a coma for 3 months. so, she should know not to do drink.
I really dont undertstand why people feel the need to do drugs and smoke and drink. 1) it's disgusting!!! 2) why would u wanna mess up ur body?? and 3) it is really scary for the people around you.
I used to look up to my sister, but not that much anymore. I feel like i am loosing her and I wnat the old her back. Even if she acts bitchy that's okay as long as she's not hurting herself or complaining about her body. If she's taht unhappy about it than do something about it. don't just sit around on ur lazy ass all day. GET UP AND MOVE. It won't kill you (although if she keeps smoking she will kill herself eventualy). )':
I have been needing to cry like for 2 days now and im sick of crying. Im sick of just sitting her by myself and laying around. I need a new life.

Bring on the day

HI again. So, last night Emily invited everyone over for a bonfire at her house, including ben. It was so so much fun (: And I don't think they are mad at me anymore, which is always a plus! But, we were all having so much fun (besides joey of course), until the boys decided to play basketball (including joey). So, during the game joey and emily's sister's boyfriend kept like gaining up on ben and like punching him and stuff and shoving him. It was seriously uncalled for. I mean, ben was being so nice the entire night so why did they have to go and ruin it?? They are so aggravating.
And to top it all off i know the reason why they are fighting. I guess Ben called that girl Mikaela fat and ugly (hahaha. ahem. sorry). But, i guess he said that joey said that toom which joey didn't. So, now, Mikaela and Joey are like best buddies, and Ben has no one but like me lauren emily and meaghan. You gotta feel sorry for him ): And plus he's so cute! hahaha okay, im gonna stop now.

It's really not that hard..

OK, so I know i have not wirteen in a wickedd long time, but i have been soo busy it's crazzzy! So, right now my friends are mad at me (once again) over somethine. But, at least tehy ahve found someone to replace mt his time! His name is Cody, and one of my friends lieks him. This isn't going to turn out well becaus ethey're going to become such good friends that he won't think of her in the way that she thinks of him. Then, they'll somehow find a way to blame it all on me because they think my life is just so friggen easy and that I have all the time in the world to deal with this drama. Like seriously??? COME ON! i am the busiest one out of alll of them. It is so aggravating.
Today ben asked me if we wanted to go to his baseball game and i really wnated to because he's been wanting to hang out like all week but they just keep like blowing him off for cody and it's not fair! Cody is replacing me and ben and it's not fun at all like they may think it is. And the only reason why they don't wanna hang around with ben is because joey is mad at him but i dont get why the need joey's permission to hang out with people it is just so stupid they need to make up their own minds and do what they wanna do. Its not that hard to do, really, trust me.

Words are easier said than done.

OK so i know all u invisible readers are getting sick of Ben but seriously idk what to do. Hes never gonna like me again, I know that but like my mind just can't seem to wrap around that concept and i dont get why. I really need to get over him because he has aleady moved on to this other girl named Mikaela who is supposedly really nice. Good for him. He deserves a nice girl and all but seriously. On saturday he invited me over wiht like a bunch of other people from his basketball team and she was there and he put his arm around her. It was really awkward. He didn't even really talk to me much either. His mom did though. I really like her because she's wicked nice. I also played wii bowling with his little brother tony but tony won ahha and i really did try! Also, i dont think ben realizes that i could be saying soo many things about him right now but instead im just letting it go. Im not gonna tell anyone about how scared he was at witches woods or about his finding nemo or whatever it was beadspread. But, still. He thinks he has this control over me and its not fair. Hes the one who gave me more confidence in myself in the first place. This is allll his doing of me sticking up for myself and stuff. It also bugs me cause i think he thinks he knows like everything about me. NEWFLASH he doesnt. He doesnt know about my dad's surgery, about how my birthcontrol pills mixed up my whole 7th garde year, he doesnt know that i pretend to confrotn him like ervy single day and i say what im gonna say to him in the mirroe but then when i see him in person i dont say anything. I just act like a good little girl like he wants so he wont get in trouble. OKay, i need to stop this nonsense. I need to get a new boy in my head and stop thinking about him. I need to move on. I get it. I know what i need to do. But words are easier said than done.
Theres this dinner thing on March 29th that i hope he goes to. I wanna look so pretty and make him see what he's missing out on. But i guess it's not much now that he has her. Whatever, if shes really nice then she wont last for long. He'll probably do the same thing he did to me to her. Ans then i will stick up for her. And for some reason i still wont be over him. Why the heck does he have to be so fun to be around???? Why cnat he act like a jerk in person as well as on the computer????? NJDKSHDJFKHSFNJSDK. okay im done now....ill probably write back in a couple days i have a feeling ill have to.

well aren't you mr.perfect...

OK, me and ben broke up. he first told me the reason was because he felt really bad going behind his parents' backs. that's undertsandable. but then this girl catherine Ims me and tells me that ben asked her out. so, of course, i got mad. thenn i dont even remember what happened but my mom and his mom talked and then he got all mad because i told her what was going on between me and him, he got really mad and like was putting words into my mouth that he never said and told me to just leave him alone. he said he was going to ask me out again but now he just wants me to leave him alone. w/e. im sorry ben that i couldnt be pefect for you. but you need to grow up and face reality and learn some social skills.
that's really hard to do, to like ignore him. For some reaosn i really miss him sometimes. i dont know why. He doesnt treat me taht great...and now that i think about it he isnt even that cute. haha ill get over him sooner or later. I just really wish he would stop being mad at me cuz i never never never said what he thinks i said and he thinks im a lier but im not. =( i just wish he would listen to me, and just really realy listen. or you know, at least CALL me and not IM me...seriously grow up.
Im sorta liking this kid andrew in my school. he's in 3 of my classes and i talk to him quite a bit. yesterday he took my phone from me and added his number. haha i thought it was cute =)
It's 2 days till christmas and im soo excited ! The only thing is is that my sister is home. and so is my mom. my mom plus my sister equals not good. They fight like every day about the silliest things. I thinkt hey fight so much because they are exactly alike. My sister is usually such a downer when my mom;s around and idk why. she used to be really fun until she turned like 16. then all she wnated was to be cool. she always complains about her weight sooo much. and so does my mom. im so tired of it. they need to learn to except themselves as they are. I did, and im only 15. So I think a 50 year old and a 19 year old can do it too. It's hard, but it's possible.
I'm starting to realize who i really am and who my real friends are. Lauren Megg and Emily are such good friends and even if they do get mad at me sometimes, i dont care. They know the real me and except me for me. They make me feel good about myself...and every one needs people like that in their lives. =)