Such a Klutz.

So, last sunday i went out with Ryan and our friend Tony and his girlfriend. It went really well and we all had a lot of fun. But, then a couple nights later Ryan texted me and he said he was at Ben's house. Eveer since then, he doesn't really seem too interested. I want to know what Ben said because I had a feeling that he said something to make Ryan chance his mind about me. Or maybe it was because when he texted me when I was at meaghan's house, I told him what we were doing :talking in the dark hahaha. And maybe he though it was wierd? I dont know. My mom keeps asking me whether hes texting me or not and if he's not she says "WELL, WHY NOT??" and shes trying to be funny but it really isn't....it's gets me thinking that he doesn't like me.
So, lately I have had so much on my mind regarding boys and it's so overwhelming. This is all my thoughts:
Does ryan like me or not? What did Ben say to Ryan? Jamie wnats to go out with me but i've never even met him! Travis likes me. This kid Brad likes me and I don't even know him. Meaghan emily and lauren had a sleepover and din't call me. Im sick of Joey and Lauren always being together. I'm so sick of my mom and my sister fighting. I'm nervous about this year. I cn't deal with Lauren L's problems anymore and I feel really bad. My teeth hurt because of the spacers, Im getting braces on tuesday (tops) and they might make me look wierd.Theres just so much going on that one day I'm just going to crack!!!!!
I've been such a klutz lately because of all these things running through my mind every single second of everyday. I'm tired and my mom keeps bugging me on going out with my friend when i just want to stay in and just chill by myself and get things straightened out with me first. I;m just so overwhlemed and IT'S SUMMER. This shouldnt be happening. Like yesterday at Target I got a slushie and the guy specifically said "dont fill it up all the way or it will overflow." and what did i do? I FILLED IT UP ALL THE WAY. and what did it do? OVERFLOWED. then when i went to get a napkin, i hit the cup and it spilt everywhere. It was such a mess and it was embarassing. But, whatever.
I give up on boys. I really do. They are just so like wierd. One minute they like you and then the next minute they dont. so, i give up, again.

It's disgusting!

So, today I went to the mall with emily, lauren, and meaghan and it was pretty fun (: Except, when we first got there I saw my sister. She was with her friend Jess ( a girl) and they were drinking their coffee. So, I was like hi! and then i waved but she was just like "uhmm..hi." and thne jess started laughing. I decided I don't like her. At alll. So, I just kept walking and I heard them laughing behind me. When we got it meaghan said "haha you're sister was slick" and is aid "about what?" and megg said " oh..she was putting out a cigarette like stomping on it with her foot."
It's so sad. Like she's lieing to my mom and dad and now she's making me a lier too because I dont wanna tell my mom what happended because then Maribeth will get mad at me. My mom said that my sister couldnt have her car for 2 weeks. It has been like 2 days and she already has her car back. I want to ask my mom about this but I'm afraid she will get mad. So, I'm just gonna give Maribeth a little bit of attitude. I also want to put like a "dangers of smoking" article in the bathroom so that maybe she will see it. She's going to get addicted. I hope she knows that.
And she keeps complaining that she doesn't have a boyfriend. Well, maybe if she stopped smoking that would make it a little bit easier. I even know that guys don't like girls who smoke ( well most of htem anyways). Smoking makes your breath smell bad, teeth yellow, it gets all in your clothes, causes a lot of health problems, and you could actually DIE. It's just soo stupid and disgusting and it's just frustrating.
You know what? she's doing this to herself. I'm not giving her anymore sympathy. I'm not. Im done. DONE with all this crap about her being fat and ugly. Go ahead and smoke. smoke until your lungs turn black and your teeth are all yellow. Just don't you dare do it around me or I will actually smack you probably. She doens't even know me anymore. Before jess, all she cared about was friggen Corey and now smoking, maybe if she didn't friggen smoke corey wouldnt have broken up with her. I'm done. goodnight.

She just bothers me so much,

My sister. She judges everyone and she says that she doesnt want to be judged. It's aggravating. Today in the car my mom said she and my friend emily were exactly the same, because they are, and she was like "ughhh im annoying??". Emily has a pretty tough life and doesnt need my sister judging her. My sister doesnt even know Emily so she needs to shut the frig up.
Me and her are just soooo different even though we look "exactly alike" or so everyone says. Examples are : Maribeth- loves reading, hates her body, cares SO MUCH about what other people think, thinks she needs a boyfriend, judges people, doesn't like helping people all that much, hates exercising, and is quite annoying if you ask me.
Now I- dont like readin,g don't really care what strangers think of me, I'm pretty confident in myself, I really don't need a guy, I like taking care of my body and exercising and stuff, I like to help people, and I can be anoying at times but i dont think thaaat often.
Idk how im going to do it allllll next year and maybe the year after. Im going to have to start standing up for myself a little bit. Shes just always been so much like bigger than me but now shes not. I've always been afraid of her and kinda still am because i hate it when people are mad at me but i just dont think i can take it without saying anything. I dont even know if i can stand it during the summer. She needs a boyfriend. Unlike me, who can survive without one. she needs to go to therepy. thats what she needs.

weeek from hell.

Okay so this week has been terrible. I tried out for cheerleading on monday and i absolutely hated it. I knew i wasn't ever going to like it either so I just gave up. I hope I didn't make a mistake but I think i am a dancer, not a cheerleader. It just was not for me. When I see a girl falling towards me my instinct is to run away. When i jump and go backwards i am afraid that i will crack my head open. It just wasn't my thing and that's okay! So, I quit. Im kind of dissapointed in myself but i was so stressed and i was crying like the past 3 days over and how i didn't want to go back. It was just plain out bad and not for me. I think i am going to go back to colroguard and dance. Whatever. One of the only reasons i wasnte to do it was so i could cheer at the games and thats really it. But, as they said, that's only a tiny tiny part of cheerleading it is so so so much harder than it looks. Another reason was so that I could be different but I can mkae my mark wihtout being a cheerleader right? I just dont want to follow in my sister's footsteps i wanna make my own path for myself and do stuff i want to do. But, my sister and I like the same things, we both love music and artsy things. Oh well, i guess im nicer than her so that counts.
So this kid Ryan likes me and he seems pretty nice. Andd this kid Tony thinks im hot and this other kid Kody likes me too. Along with matt but i dont know if he still does. I dont really like matt cuz i never talk to him haha and then kody and tony are my friends so i could never go out with them cuz that woulkd be wierd haha anddd Ryan? I dont know about him either because I just started getting to know him. But who knows, maybe we could be something(:
so yeah that was my week from hell. and on top of it all i found out that my teacher from 5th grade passed away and I really liked her. She's going to be missed. She was such a great teacher and never yelled at anyone. I wish i got a chance to see her before she died, i really do.

FML.

so these last two days have been totally suckish. I feel like i seriously have NO ONE and that no body even wnats me anymore ):.
My sister came home from college and i dont like her all that much. she sued to be so fun to hang out with but like ever since high school, shes been a total bitch like all the time. She yells and complains that she is fat every single friggen second and that has an affect on me and i dont think that she realizes that. I am 15 years old and I feel like i know better than she does. like today she left all her shit in the bathroom and i went in and found a box of cigarettes in her purse. She should know better than to smoke, really she should. Also on her facebook she says that she is out getting drunk which is so fucking stupid. My dad was in a drunk dirving accident and he got a bruise on his brain and was in a coma for 3 months. so, she should know not to do drink.
I really dont undertstand why people feel the need to do drugs and smoke and drink. 1) it's disgusting!!! 2) why would u wanna mess up ur body?? and 3) it is really scary for the people around you.
I used to look up to my sister, but not that much anymore. I feel like i am loosing her and I wnat the old her back. Even if she acts bitchy that's okay as long as she's not hurting herself or complaining about her body. If she's taht unhappy about it than do something about it. don't just sit around on ur lazy ass all day. GET UP AND MOVE. It won't kill you (although if she keeps smoking she will kill herself eventualy). )':
I have been needing to cry like for 2 days now and im sick of crying. Im sick of just sitting her by myself and laying around. I need a new life.

Bring on the day

HI again. So, last night Emily invited everyone over for a bonfire at her house, including ben. It was so so much fun (: And I don't think they are mad at me anymore, which is always a plus! But, we were all having so much fun (besides joey of course), until the boys decided to play basketball (including joey). So, during the game joey and emily's sister's boyfriend kept like gaining up on ben and like punching him and stuff and shoving him. It was seriously uncalled for. I mean, ben was being so nice the entire night so why did they have to go and ruin it?? They are so aggravating.
And to top it all off i know the reason why they are fighting. I guess Ben called that girl Mikaela fat and ugly (hahaha. ahem. sorry). But, i guess he said that joey said that toom which joey didn't. So, now, Mikaela and Joey are like best buddies, and Ben has no one but like me lauren emily and meaghan. You gotta feel sorry for him ): And plus he's so cute! hahaha okay, im gonna stop now.

It's really not that hard..

OK, so I know i have not wirteen in a wickedd long time, but i have been soo busy it's crazzzy! So, right now my friends are mad at me (once again) over somethine. But, at least tehy ahve found someone to replace mt his time! His name is Cody, and one of my friends lieks him. This isn't going to turn out well becaus ethey're going to become such good friends that he won't think of her in the way that she thinks of him. Then, they'll somehow find a way to blame it all on me because they think my life is just so friggen easy and that I have all the time in the world to deal with this drama. Like seriously??? COME ON! i am the busiest one out of alll of them. It is so aggravating.
Today ben asked me if we wanted to go to his baseball game and i really wnated to because he's been wanting to hang out like all week but they just keep like blowing him off for cody and it's not fair! Cody is replacing me and ben and it's not fun at all like they may think it is. And the only reason why they don't wanna hang around with ben is because joey is mad at him but i dont get why the need joey's permission to hang out with people it is just so stupid they need to make up their own minds and do what they wanna do. Its not that hard to do, really, trust me.